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My preferred candidate officially throws his hat in the ring.

I’m just going to come clean, I have inhaled bags of ’shrooms. I haven’t done drugs for the past 20 years, to be really honest. I’ve smoked, [expletive], like six hits off a joint in the last 20 years. I have never done cocaine, ever in my life. I have never done heroin, I have never done speed. I have had my share of acid and mushrooms and I have smoked fields of marijuana, but by the age of 20 I realized, if I don’t stop now, I’ll never have the chance to be the President of the United States of America. This dream is a long time in the making, it’s been almost 20 years of preparing to run silently. Gathering my ideas and support. I haven’t done drugs in a long time. Because they are against the law.

Provocative.

Krist Novoselic really excels in the political arena. When I need to a shoulder a cry on, when I need real advice all I have to do is call Krist and he reminds me what it is to be that kid with big dreams from Springfield, Va. The kid who worked at a furniture warehouse, mowed the lawn, and didn’t have enough money to be a member of the neighborhood swimming pool.

Inspiring.

You know what it takes? It takes a barbecue. I think that what the country needs now is a good, smoky barbecue—family style, at least once a week, winter months included. Every Sunday.

A unifying force for good and the “high life” for all Americans. Vote Grohl. He’ll tear that shit up.

UPDATE: Apparently Harp magazine isn’t the most reputable publication in which to make such an annoucement, because it filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy protection.

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